Mandeponium

Tongue in cheek advice given by an office drone who misses his old ways. There might be something to that advice.

But me, I couldn’t not stop. I just couldn’t keep up anymore. Life was moving too fast. It was starting to take actual work to maintain that lifestyle. In the end, I didn’t have the strength to take one more step. By the grace of God, I was forced to drop my load.

The only times I was truly at peace, were acquiring the drug, talking about the drug, and then preparing and using the drug. But not actually being high. When I was high I would wish to be sober. And when I was sober I wanted to be high. When I finally was high I’d play video games to forget that I was high, only to be reminded again 90 minutes later that I wasn’t high anymore and needed another hit.

It was simply taking too much and giving too little in return. Being a drug user was so involving. I didn’t want a habit that required constant upkeep, maintenance, and supervision.

It was draining my soul. A daily diminishment. No rest to be found. I wanted to be lounging on a beach, or meditating in a forest, not frantically maintaining my chemical blood level.

Eventually it was my addiction that quit me. Of course I had to press the eject button. But by then I was safely away, watching the burning plane going down while being suspended in mid air by a parachute that was a new job, a new city, a new life. Another chance.

It’s a drug.

Kratom is the new hip substance touted by go-getting bloggers. I’ve tried supplements and products recommended by the manosphere before and most of them do what they say. My favorites are fish oil, creatine, and theanine.

So naturally after reading half a dozen articles on Kratom I decided to give it a go.

And like they say, the dosage does matter. Take too little, and you won’t feel anything. Take too much, and you’ll feel tired and queasy. But take just the right amount (determined by your own experiements) and you’ll feel awesome. Unstoppable with a lot energy.

It’s not intoxicating the way marijuana and even Adderall can be. It’s stronger than caffeine, but it doesn’t jolt you like caffeine. It’s a smooth buzz that you can sustain by titrating throughout the day.

But it is a drug induced high. And that’s the problem. It gets you high.

You can notice this if you’re especially in tune with your body. It’s not the same feeling you get from from drinking green vegetable juice, or from exercising, or from hugging a friend.

And that fact gives me pause.

I want to live a life that is completely drug free, and completely dependent on Jesus for my every need.

I don’t want to be dependent on chemicals to feel good. Yes, I know everything is a chemical and technically serotonin and dopamine are the only two things you enjoy. But I’m addicted to caffeine and it’s not a good thing. I also smoked weed for 5 years, and while it was super fun, eventually it had to go. Those drugs took more than they gave.

I’m going to keep experimenting with Kratom, but I wonder, will it eventually take more than it gives?

On the one hand, the atheist argument goes “Why does God let bad things happen?”

 

And it makes it sense. Our situation seems hopeless. On a global scale all the way down to the singular individual. Me. Why can’t I do anything right? The imperfections seen in me are never ending. The wrongdoings of me are nonstop.

 

Of course I’m talking about sin, which erupts from humanity like a spewing volcano, as is its nature. But not just that.

 

Nothing ever goes according to plan. I’m never as happy as I could be. For all the great times I do have, I also have experiences of suffering and loss. Why does God let these horrible things happen? Use your own examples. Mine are worse than any of yours (to me), I promise you.

 

Continuing the argument, “After all, if God can do anything, (and He can, because He’s God, duh) He would… [fill in the blank]” Again use your own examples. Some of mine are solve world hunger, end all the wars, make everyone place nice. Oh yeah, He’d also let me get rich, have lots of sex, and He wouldn’t make everything so d*** annoying everywhere I go. He’d basically do for whatever I want. Right? Because He’s God.

 

But No.

 

We’re stuck with this.

 

So instead of the world my way, God’s telling me that the minute I step out that door, I’ll have all that shit to deal with? The outside and everything, with the cars and the people and the tornadoes?

And God says, “Yeah, and that shit that’s out there, it’s inside too. In your house, in your body, in your mind.”

Therefore if God existed and loved us He’d fix this mess.

But he doesn’t.

Therefore there is no God.

Checkmate Christians.

 

 

On the other hand you have the argument for God’s existence: “Well, why is there all this stuff?

Not just shapes and doodads floating in the space, but stuff that recognizes that it is stuff. ‘I think therefore I am.'”

Triangles don’t know they’re triangles. Do cats know they’re cats? Probably not. But we know we’re alive, or something like that.

 

Someone had to have made it. It’s all just too weird. I’m awake and doing things. What are these things I’m doing? And who is this person doing my things? And who is this person watching this person doing my things? I watch myself doing and at times it is glorious, at times ghastly. Incredible it is. Truly in-credible. This experience I experience, and all the ways I live it. The simple experiences of waking up, falling asleep, eating a strawberry. The exquisite experiences of feeling love, hearing Bach, and drinking coffee.

 

What’s going on here? You say all this is unplanned, mere random chance? Chaotic haphazard happenstance? I just don’t buy it.

 

To which the atheists respond “Big Bang. Look it up. And Multiverse theory.”

 

Well has anyone ever thought of what God’s argument might be? Not for why He exists. He knows why He exists and He knows He exists. No, the argument I’m looking for, the defense He can deign to offer me, is why He gets to get away with His crimes!

 

I imagine it would go something like this:

 

“I’m going to do whatever I want. (Because I’m God.)

If you don’t like what I do you can make pray to me and I will hear it, but I’m still going to do whatever I want.

Otherwise… you’re free to go.”

 

You don’t have to accept God. What a relief! We’re not bound to Him. Just like we choose what to do, God chooses what to do. We can choose to hate Him and God can choose to let us.

 

We can celebrate our freedom from God, and create organizations to spread the good news of atheism.

And how is this not the greatest victory? I get to do what I want. Whatever I want. It’s what I’ve always wanted. Mmmmeeeee.

 

And nothing happens. God totally lets us. Or doesn’t care because He doesn’t exist. Obviously, because if He did, He would come down and make all these atheists believe in Him!

 

 

And so I think, the depths of myself are quite dark. I must seek the light.

 

I must let myself get out of the way of myself to seek God.

 

But still I ask, what about all this bad stuff that happens to me? Isn’t it every human’s right to enjoy [X]? How come I don’t get to enjoy [X] because my [Y] was shot off in the war? Or worse, because You forbid it?

 

That’s a loss I suffer.

 

And yet Christ suffered with us, and he must have found it just as insufferable as we do. And because of this I hope for a redemption one day. Not just the hope for getting into heaven, whatever that might be, but for every wrong I’ve suffered and every loss I’ve lost to be accounted for. And not merely replaced. It wasn’t even that great, that [X] I lost. It’s the principle of the thing. I want to be told, “That experience doesn’t hurt you anymore and I will replace it joy.” I hope to one day walk in the light that makes all things perfect and beautiful, and for Jesus to tell me, “Everything is all right.”

 

And that’s what drives me. The Hope of Glory.

 

TL;DR: God doesn’t have to answer to us. And we don’t have to answer to Him. But He invites us to. And to call Him King truly is the greatest honor and privilege, and I hope one day, joy.

 

Get rid of your pride.